El Nino brings out the worst Los Angeles drivers

People suck. This is the inescapable conclusion I’ve come to during the course of this weekend. Why? Because I’ve had to navigate through hundreds of them on the road and in the Los Angeles freeway system. In less than 72 hours, I almost died five times. Let’s see, there was the time the moron almost sideswiped me as he attempted to change lanes without signaling, then the goofball who drifted into my lane less than two feet in front of me, as well as the guy who pulled through a red light, etc.

I’ve always tried to defend California as a paragon of civilization, but I no longer can. People born and bred in the Golden State just cannot drive. They are cretins. I cannot believe some of the stupid things that have happened right before me. These people have a license? This is the first hint that there’s a government conspiracy.

With the El Ni?o phenomenon dropping thousands of gallons of water on Los Angeles, these terrible drivers become absolute menaces of stupidity as they join the commuter pool. Even a simple drive becomes a nightmare when you get stuck behind a person who thinks driving 25 miles per hour on the freeway is safe.

My roommate Chris is from New York. He says that because the weather in New York is always so poor, motorists drive the same when it’s raining as when it’s dry. But in California, where the mean temperature never drops below 80, people freak out when the fog rolls in.

When you’re on the freeway, you don’t just come to a complete stop for no reason. The rain doesn’t make it justifiable. Nor is it safer to drive 40 miles per hour below the posted speed limit. Yet I saw person after person with glazed looks in their eyes slowing down and creating traffic jams all by their lonesome.

If you don’t feel confident driving on a wet road, don’t! The Los Angeles International Airport is probably the worst place to be when it starts to pour. People are already driving slowly enough so that the psycho drivers in the Super Shuttle won’t hit them. Add that to the lost souls of the damned who are forced to circle Arrivals endlessly looking for their friends or loved ones, and you’ve got trouble.

Let’s face it. Some people just weren’t born to wield the awesome responsibility of driving a motor vehicle. There are a lot of jerks who believe that, because they turn 16, they deserve to drive a car. It’s not a God-given right, boyo. A car is a big, heavy object that, despite rumors to the contrary, requires brainpower and the ability to concentrate on the road. Respect the power you’re wielding. If you’re not up to the challenge of being a competent human being, find another hobby.

Why not just take public transportation? That way, when you fall asleep on the road, the only thing that’ll hit you is the old lady you’re drooling on.