A lot of things spring to mind when “infertility” pops up in a conversation:

“So Bob, are you going to the bowling tournament this weekend?”

“Nah. I’m infertile. My wife and I are going to a clinic where I’ll pay someone three grand to pull sperm from my genitalia and try to fertilize my wife’s ovum. The odds of achieving a live birth are extremely thin – I think less than fifteen percent – but hell, I’ve got lots of liquid cash lying around, and I’ve been looking to have Junior up and playing catch with me within the next decade!”

“All you had to do was say ‘no,’ Bob.”

· · · · ·

Infertility. That’s a big problem. There are now 5,300,000 couples within the United States alone that are unable to conceive a child together. Both sexes may share the blame – men and women are each responsible for 40 percent of infertility in couples; 2 0 percent of infertility cases involve both the man and the woman being infertile.

This may be due to any number of problems. Nowadays, more women want to wait until they have established themselves in the work force before deciding to take a six month hiatus (this makes sense – getting a long term job just so you can work there long enough to take extended maternity leave). This means women between the ages of 35 and 40 (possibly older) are trying to conceive at a time when age has become a significant factor in sterility. Another problem is that each partner in a relationship may have had prior sexual encounters. An article in the Sept. 4, 1995 issue of Newsweek stated that “the greater number of partners, the greater the risk of sexually transmitted diseases that can impair fertilization.”

Now that we know the facts – basically, that there’s a lot of people out there that can’t get their salmon up the river – what can be done about it? Well, science (of course) has a miracle answer, or rather five: fertilization techniques. But are they really effective? No way.

There are five artificial insemination techniques that doctor attempt: in vitro fertilization, gamete intrafallopian transfer, intrauterine insemination, zygote intrafallopian transfer and intracytoplasmic sperm injection . Gamete transfer has the highest success rate for first timers: 28 percent. That’s not very promising, considering it costs $6,000-$10,000 per cycle (each attempt at fertilization). With in vitro, your success percentage drops two to four points after each attempt. That’s not very promising either, considering the first attempt nets only a 13 percent success rate. Dr. Mark Sauer, a fertility specialist here at USC, has been quoted as saying, “We’ve seen (such) huge changes (in fertility treatments) in the past ten years it’s hard to imagine where we might be in another ten.” But these advancements mean rising costs and barely better results.

Where do people come up with this money? Only six states are mandating insurance cover fertilization. The rest of these people are paying up the nose for these treatments. My parents’ friends paid about $30,000 for their child. That is definitely not cost effective.

But why do we even allow fertilization in the first place? We have enough people out there. I mean look, I know that at current world food output we have enough food to feed everyone equally and that we have more than enough land for everybody. But because of the lack of equal distribution of wealth, it just doesn’t work out that way. With our current population, we don’t need to worry about 40,000 people a year trying to have a kid through artificial means.

“But I want a baby!” Then go adopt! There are a ton of little kids just waiting to be adopted who would love to have caring and loving parents who would be better off spending 40 grand on their child after he’s alive instead of just trying to conceive it. Besides, it isn’t exactly fun getting it done artificially. Micropipettes inserted repeatedly, whole sections of your body anesthetized then shot up with hormones. Yowzers!

“I want my genes carried on.” Yeah, well, who doesn’t. If it isn’t possible the natural way, why should we supplement science to fulfill your fantasy? Some people just weren’t made to have kids. It’s called natural selection. Survival of the fittest? Others species can deal with it, so we should too.

I’m all for going to the fertility doctor so he can tell you to step out of those briefs and into some boxers, but man, science has got to draw the line somewhere. Intellectually curious is one thing; going out and playing the angel Gabriel on people (i.e. Mary: virgin birth, see the New Testament for details) is a completely different subject.

I agree with Dr. Sauer. It is hard to imagine where this might lead in another 10 years. Malls with Fertil-o-Rama brand name in vitro procedures, take-home test tube babies, and being able to go and say, “Look, Doc, I’m infertile, but I want a kid. Can you suspend the laws of Nature and deliver Bob, Jr. to my doorstep within the next eight or nine months?” makes me sick.

When we play God with organic structures, let’s stick to making tomatoes that weigh twelve pounds and can feed an entire family for a week. We don’t need more little tots in this country. Death to fertilization!